This Just In…

As you all know, new words come into the language all the time. Some new fad or folly or political ineptitude will result in a new lexical gem. And words that have been in the language change their meanings as time goes by. Naturally, this happens by means of that narcoleptic mix of politics and television.

We join Jason Nerdly, White House correspondent for SMCBN and political analyst, Chris Mountebank, reviewing the president’s speech on the Syria thing.

“Well, Chris, as you know the Republicans are highly skeptical of the president’s position on Syria. Apparently, there’s even some new terminology out there. What’s that all about?”

“Well, Jason, despite all the hoping and changing that’s been going on, the president’s position, and indeed most of his policies are, to quote Republican Congressman, Jake Slade of Oklahoma, where he said, ‘The White House policies on all of the known Universe are onionesque’. Apparently, that means the White House policies are indistinguishable from the Onion newspaper, in style and content, particularly content. The Onion was unavailable for comment.”

“Well, interesting, we’ll take that up later, Chris, but right now we’ve got Debbie Wasserthing Klutz online, Democrat something or other.

…Debbie, what’s this about the president’s speech being ‘perkling’?”

“Well, Jason, as you know, this the Republicans trying to denigrate the president. They’re claiming that when he says ‘perfectly clear’ he means the opposite, while trying to dazzle the media with incoherent platitudes. He’s trying his best to complete a grammatically correct sentence without the use of a teleprompter and all the Republicans can do is draw attention to the prospect of a regional war in the Middle East. Who’s more in tune with reality here?”

”Er, Chris, don’t you think the president’s message delivery was perkling tonight?…

…Absolutely, Jason, yes, he said ‘perfectly clear’ 47 times tonight. About all those things that we hold so dear, like world peace, the international community, that place in the Middle East there, the whole wonderful thingness of it all,..Oh I don’t know, I’m, like, so overwhelmed, it’s…Well, those nasty Republicans will criticize him for mumbling for 45 minutes and not saying anything, but they’re all racists anyway.”

“But, Chris, weren’t we hearing a new nuance on the surgical strike concept here? “

“Well, Jason, the concept’s been around for a while. Back in the Bush tyranny, it used to mean sending one bomb down an air shaft and demolishing the target without touching the sides. But the president’s been redefining it, here’s what he said on the Muppet Show the other day:…

‘…Er, look, you’ve done something unacceptable, or at least we don’t like it a whole bunch, so in a couple of weeks or so, we’ll, er, be sending over a few cruise missiles for a day or two, sometime after Congress reconvenes and votes on it, or not, and before my golf game that weekend, to help you free you from yourselves, or something.’

So they don’t say he’s the smartest man ever elected president for nothing.”

….”Well, Chris, that just about says it all, doesn’t it?…

…Absolutely, Jason, yes, and remember that this president was awarded a Nobel Peace prize after only 12 days in office, that’s a colossal amount of peace in just 12 days, I mean, it’s never been done before, it’s almost superhuman. … And, this just in from a source in the Defense Department, apparently the USS Nuance and the USS Sensitivity are now off the coast of Syria waiting for the go-ahead for a dialogue strike. It’s just that Congress doesn’t seem to understand that it’s there to worship the Dear Lead— I mean the president, not to sit around thinking and voting and all that stuff.”

“Well, Chris, we get that, but he’s been taking some flak over the ‘red line’ thing lately. Congressman Slade said that it used to mean ‘one false move and we’ll nuke ’em. At least that was clear. All the rest is demspeak.’”

“Well, Jason, what would you expect the Congressman from Mars to say? I mean, what has Slade ever done, really? Destroy two armoured Iraqi divisions single-handedly? What’s that? Hasn’t he ever community organized? Let’s get real, here’s a clip of the president in the Rose Garden speech on the ‘red line’ issue:

“When I said ‘red line’, which I didn’t say, that’s actually the rest of the world’s ‘red line’. All 359 states in the UN, and that includes all 57 states in the US, signed a treaty outlawing the use of weapons in war. This great country can not stand idly by, as if we’re waiting for Ed’s Bar and Grill to open.”

“Well, Chris, it certainly seems the president is on top of this problem. He’s laid the issue squarely before Congress, so what can we expect now?

….Absolutely, Jason, yes, there’ll probably be one of those vote things, or whatever, and then the president will do what he has to do, or feels like that day, regardless of the vote. So why is Congress wasting the president’s time? That’s what we have to ask.”

“Well, Chris, some people are actually saying that there’s a Constitution, a document that determines limits on actions the Executive can take. What’s the White House got to say about that?

….Absolutely, Jason, yes, but you’ve got to remember that all happened hundreds of years ago, before television. Besides, who’s actually read the whole thing anyway? What’s important is that the whole world, and more importantly, Congress, gets the message that this president is absolutely clear about his golf handica—, I mean, world peace. Congress cannot allow the president to look like a fool on the world stage, no matter how tough that job is.”

“Well, thanks, Chris, we’ll be right back after these messages from our sponsors…”

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