At long last, the Commoners are exposed

Dear Diary:
Society is abuzz concerning our First Family’s decision to not just relocate from their humble Rockcliffe rental to 24 Sussex Drive but also to transport their household staff onto Her Majesty’s payroll.
We don’t understand this, given that all members of the Royal Household have for centuries had the benefit of nannies, nurses, mistresses, well-endowed gardeners and whatever else suited their fancy paid for by commoners no doubt grateful for the opportunity. And yet, just because the new leader made some off the cuff comment about people such as himself and that dreadful Mr. Harper (we are shocked that he would have put himself in the same category with such ill-bred stock but understand that from time to time in politics we must make public concessions) not needing taxpayer assistance with their childcare, the proletariat is scandalized. This, if nothing else, proves how poorly equipped the mobile vulgus is when it comes to understanding leadership.
Such, indeed, was the fuss Tuesday that the new era of openness reverted appropriately to bunker mentality when the PMO went into lock down and palace guards were sent out to the TV political panels to repeat damage control talking points. The chap sent to Power & Politics rightly set the public broadcaster straight by noting it “has been a very long time since we’ve had a Prime Minister with a young family.” When he said “we” he was of course referring to the Liberal Party, because that is the only “we” that matters. Thank heavens he kept a stiff upper lip and refused to cater to allegations from the street rabble that when speaking of “we” we should refer all Canadians. When the previously resident peasantry somehow managed to get the keys to 24 Sussex, the barbarians were truly inside the gates (the Harper woman was, did you know, not only a divorcee but a former cowgirl who drank beer from a bottle!). Anyway, some among the rank and file were trying to say that the 2006 circumstances of the uncultured and their then nine- and six-year-old urchins were somehow analogous to the current situation where the little angels are eight-, six- and almost two-years-old . What utter piffle. When we say “we,” we mean “we.” Not them. Thank heavens we have people to put them in their place.
Moving on, our courtiers won the day when they described the horrible burdens of the Prime Minister’s position that normal people will never have time to understand what with their tedious juggling careers, bills, mortgages, car loans, day cares, community, business travel (apparently some must purchase their own tickets and drive their own automobiles) and assorted other “care-givers” such as in a pinch (can you imagine?) grandmothers. Surely they must realize that for proper people, particularly given Sophie’s exhausting new role as a yoga teacher of society ladies, the Royal Household must be equipped with two taxpayer-paid nannies. Fortunately, the press is on side and our friends in ownership have ensured that not a single ink-stained wretch has asked why the hideously common previous residents managed to care for and raise their two offspring without billing the treasury for child care. Thankfully, some have pointed out that Mrs. Harper, having given up her “career” in Calgary (yes, Calgary, my goodness how did we ever, ever let that happen?) displayed a complete misunderstanding of her importance by going into the kitchen, mingling with the staff and making her children’s lunches before sending them off to (a no doubt public) school. That, dear diary, is the real scandal and it is high time it was exposed and decent people were made aware of the crimes against elegance that were committed at 24 Sussex for close to 10 dark years. Thank heavens Canada is back. And that it is 2015.

Cheering to see staff at the University of Northern British Columbia has risen in protest against the appointment of James Moore, an alumnus who somehow slipped through the cracks of indoctrination in how to think properly, made some poor life choices regarding chosen company and at a young age became a federal cabinet minister. Hopefully, an example will be made of him so that others who make the same mistake know that if they do so, they will be treated as pariahs and never work again. We must be unswerving in our defence of tolerance and intellectual freedom.