“Welcome back, folks, this is Jason Nerdly, with resident political analyst, Chris Mountebank, with another edition of ‘Drivel Fest’ on SMCBN. With 2015 grinding to a close, chaos in the Middle East, massive migration problems in Europe, what are the prospects for 2016? We’ll be talking with some members of Congress later, but first, ISIS, WHATS-IS or whatever, what’s the current state of play, Chris?”
…”Well, Jason, it’s been a tough few years for the President. The collapse of Libya, the crossing of red lines in Syria, nearly 300,000 deaths and God knows how many wounded, the Muslim Brotherhood being ousted in Egypt, the Russians jumping in big time in Syria….it’s really been working hell with his Agenda for Change. Firstly, his golf handicap has suffered, secondly, police forces around the country are still arresting violent criminals, robbers and rapists and not giving them the respect that Americans of all faiths deserve, and thirdly, college cafeterias are still culturally appropriating salsa and guacamole—I mean, that’s just tearing his heart out.”
…”Er, OK, but do you think that the President sees radical Islamic terrorism as a serious threat to America?”
…”Look, Jason, how can you compare cutting the heads off Yazidi women, selling Christian girls into slavery, stoning women to death and throwing gays off buildings with the hurt feelings of all those oppressed kids at expensive liberal arts colleges who don’t know their butts from a hole in the ground? The President knows what’s important. I mean, come on.”
…”Thanks, Chris, we’re joined now by two members of Congress, Cynthia Seaweed, Democratic Congressthingy from Martha’s Backyard, Massachusetts, and Republican, Jake Slade, from Blown Skull, Oklahoma. Let’s start with you, Cynthia. 2016, what’s up?”
…”Thank you, Jason. Well, the President, peace be unto him, if that’s not too cultural appropriatingy, will be working even more towards peace, I mean, that’s what he got the prize for isn’t it? After Ferguson, and Lives of Color Matter, cops have to understand that when a kid robs a store, particularly a kid of color, it doesn’t mean that he wants to harm anyone, he’s just using his initiative to better himself. We’ve gotta be sensitive to that and realize that it’s folks of white that created those stores in the first place.
And it’s not really Islam that’s cutting the heads of all those poor folks in the Middle East, it’s clearly the NSA, er, I mean the NRA, anyway, it’s the Republicans. That’s what Hillary says, so it must be true.”
….”Thanks, Cynthia. Jake, what’s cookin’ your end?”
….”Jason, you know, I’m kinda losin’ track here. We’ve got the Middle East disintegrating, armies of stone-age goat pokers goin’ bananas and sending waves of refugees over to Europe, Iran goin’ full tilt boogie for the Bomb and not even gettin’ a speeding ticket, and this clown Hussein in the White House goin’ on a luv-a-muz rant. He didn’t wanna drop too-o-o many bombs on ISIS because there might be ‘environmental damage’! Boo-hoo. Can you imagine Eisenhower puttin’ off D-Day because there might be a few Coke cans on the beach? Jeez, what planet is this?”
…”So, you think the President’s response to the terrorism issue has been too weak?”
…”Jason, weak don’t even come close. Ah seen jellyfish with more backbone. I mean that Russian cat, Vlad, seems to mean what he says. At least their bombs hit the ground.
And here, the future is T-R-U-M-P. Tee, Ah, Yu, Em, Pee. Got it? The first guy to be honest in politics since that eyetie dude, Machia-what’s his name-velli. He’s drivin’ the pinko media nuts, no offense Jase, just by talking about the real issues. Now that’s somethin’ the E-e-e-stablishment tries to avoid. So he’s sayin’ anyone who wants to cut the heads off those cutie girls who are in my favorite cheerleader team are gonna face the sharp end of Uncle Sam, and that’s fine by me. Hell, that’s why carpet bombing was invented.
And that other painter guy from the place with all the dykes, Homer Bosch or whatever, who did all those pics of goblins and gnomes from Hell with swizzle sticks stuck through ’em and lookin’ like Hillary on bad acid, that’s our future unless we shape up pretty quick.
Gotta run, it’s Bullets and Bourbon weekend at the 44 Magnum bar in Broken Arrow. I’ll give ’em your regards.”
…”And with that, this is Jason Nerdly signing off. Join us again, next week, folks.”